Your Dasher Has Accidentally Awakened the Crawling Chaos

by Gazing into the Loathsome Geometry of the Taco Pup Mega-muncher Meal Box.

Hey Sam, your order from Taco Pup is being delivered by DoorDash, a partner delivery service, at 5:40PM. You can track the status at drd.sh.

Your Dasher, Astrid, is at Taco Pup and awaiting your order.

Your Dasher has sent you a message: 
i don’t know what the fuck is going on but all hell just broke loose at taco pup just so you know it’s not my fault your order’s gonna be late

Your Dasher has accidentally awakened the crawling chaos by gazing into the loathsome geometry of the Taco Pup Mega-Muncher Meal box. 

We’ve updated your estimated time of delivery accordingly.

Your Dasher has sent you a message: 
all i did was fold one of their stupid takeout boxes “wrong” and everybody lost their shit they were running late on orders and i was just trying to help but if putting tab a into slot c is gonna open the gates of hell maybe they should rethink their takeout container strategy anyway on my way

Your Dasher has penetrated the formless screaming jelly issuing yellowishly from the Dark Crystalline Octahedron to pick up your order and is on their way to you now!

Your Dasher has sent you a message: 
i can’t take the main road to your house because of the tentacle thing coming up outta the asphalt thank god it grabbed the mini-van in front of me so I had time to turn around don’t worry got both hands on the wheel i’m dictating this oh jesus fuck what now

Your Dasher has chosen to take an alternate route after they shrank away from the rubbery enormity erupting from Magnolia Street, its fetid black form squirming ten stories into the uncaring sky and groping blindly as its oily skin roiled and burst with pudding-filled pustules. 

We’ve updated your estimated time of delivery accordingly. 

Your Dasher has sent you a message: 
sky demons ate your fries

Your Dasher has reported an item missing, lost or damaged from your order. We are very sorry that malodorous bat-winged night-gaunts greedily captured and consumed your Large Cajun-spice Curly Fries, though it is a mystery how they did this considering their detestable, malignant faces have no mouths. Nevertheless, this is not the experience we wish our customers to have. 

We have issued a $5.00 credit for immediate use on your next order. 

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
sorry about the fries man damn they did smell good too i got the sunroof closed now and no faceless harpy thing is going to stop me i got this is that a whirlpool

An important update from DoorDash! Due to unforeseen road conditions, including the sudden appearance of a churning watery abyss through which has risen an unholy broken altar of basalt supporting a slouching, mammoth octopian blasphemy possessing the gray-green pallor of yawning madness, there may be an additional delay in your delivery. 

We’ve updated your estimated time of delivery accordingly.

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
nuh-uh
nope
nuts to squid face
this is not worth it i’m canceling delivery no tip is big enough to put up with this nightmare

Hi Sam! DoorDash has confirmed that you have increased your tip by $100.00. Your new total tip amount is $107.50. 

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
don’t know what you’re trying to pull you think you can just pay me to suffer which is gross or if you’re just playing some kind of sick fucking game but I’m still canceling so fuck you

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
well doordash just told me canceling this delivery is a contract violation and would result in my deactivation or whatever bullshit they call it so I guess it’s still game on i’m holding you to that tip though 

Hi Sam! We just wanted you to know that we have not received any location updates from your Dasher for the last five minutes but don’t worry! This is probably merely the effect of entering the infinitely monstrous shadow chambers beyond all time and space, but your delivery is still on its way!

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
i gotta take backroads now i didn’t even know there were back roads around here unless i’m just traveling through another dimension now ha ha 
wouldn’t fuckin surprise me
some kind of mushroom

Hi Sam! Good news! Your Dasher is back on track and in this dimension and your order is just a few minutes away. Get ready for some hot and tasty food!

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
got these nubs on my skin now sprouting all up my arm
so strange how my arm’s gone numb right now like it doesn’t even belong to me any more

Your Dasher is approaching with your order from Taco Pup. Enjoy your meal!

Your Dasher has sent you a message:
hey man forget all that stuff i said i don’t know why i was so chatty just whistling past the graveyard i suppose but i’m here now everything is fine
everything is fine
i got you a replacement for those fries
a few extra things too

Hi Sam! Your order was dropped off. Thank you for ordering from Taco Pup! 

Your Dasher has sent you a message: 
this is gonna be the best meal you ever ate

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About The Author

Buy the Issue

Issue 3.1 Paperback

Pay tribute to your ancestors sleeping between worlds, stay at a time-travel hotel, visit the winter graveyard, face Azathoth, purchase a strange device from a door-to-door salesman, and do your best to keep a puppet child from unraveling. Oh, and your DoorDasher Astrid has accidentally awakened the Crawling Chaos, so don’t expect your Taco Pup order any time soon.
$12.00

Featured In

Issue 3.1 Paperback

Amelia suffers from The Vanishing, a disease caused by unrooted immigrant identity, while Beulah Khware longs to become a Celeronian but faces a daunting citizenship test.

Pay tribute to your ancestors sleeping between worlds, stay at a time-travel hotel, visit the winter graveyard, face Azathoth, purchase a strange device from a door-to-door salesman, and do your best to keep a puppet child from unraveling.

Oh, and your DoorDasher Astrid has accidentally awakened the Crawling Chaos, so don’t expect your Taco Pup order any time soon.

$12.00

More from 3.1

The Vanishing

Amelia has The Vanishing, a disease caused by unrooted immigrant identity.

Celeronian Natives

Beulah Khware longs to become a Celeronian, but only the most committed pass the citizenship test.

Recent

Generation

A woman and her illegal child attempt to make it past Border Enforcement.

Your Dasher Has Accidentally Awakened the Crawling Chaos

by Gazing into the Loathsome Geometry of the Taco Pup Mega-muncher Meal Box.

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