For Sale: Cursèd Object, Never Cleaned

In need of a spooky new statement decor piece? LOOK NO FURTHER!

Lovely Filthy Silver Mirror FOR YOU Reflection Valuable Sexy Retro Heirloom Large Quality Glass Haunted Floor Mirror Full-Length Frame Gilt Silver Desirable Spooky

Object is high quality delivered TO YOU discount cheap fast. Lovely silver frame Do Not Eat. Comes with benign happy ethereal trapped ghost friend friendly spirit incorporeal. Perfect for YOU décor house mansion foyer living room dining room hallway kitchen bedroom.

ONLY ONE AVAILABLE! BUY NOW!

**Due to aspect this item is unable to be photographed.**

Dimensions: 58” x 88”

Weight: 102–227 lbs (variable, with the tides)

Aspect: Eidolon

Price: $1

Notes from seller:

This is a typical post-manufacture haunted mirror. We do not know how the spirit first possessed it unfortunately but she’s been there for at least 150 years. (Her name is Pulcheria and she WILL insult you.)

Minor mechanical issues with base, but you can slide a pouch of sweet-smelling herbs underneath the front left clawed foot and it won’t wobble as menacingly.

Sometimes the mirror reflects distant misty realms and you can hear the faint sounds of an eternal war between gods, but give it a few thumps and the image will return to normal (and Pulcheria will complain to you but who cares). Please be aware that you can’t clean the frame OR the mirror surface. If you try, it will start rattling and seeping blood from obscure crevices.

This mirror is perfect for a foyer, a parlor, a living room, a dining room, a family room, any random hallway, a kitchen, or a bedroom, but actually, I wouldn’t recommend it in a bedroom because you’ll think you’re totally alone and then you’ll let a fart rip and Pulcheria will come cackling to the surface of the mirror and make fart noises with her mouth all night while you’re trying to sleep. (NO this has not happened to me I just worry it could.)

I wouldn’t recommend this for a foyer either. It is a fabulous statement piece for between your marble staircases, but you cannot trust Pulcheria with guests. I think she died in her tweens so she has the power of pinpointing exactly what you’re insecure about and mocking it. She told my cousin Devon he’d never get a good MCAT score. I don’t even know how she knew about that.

So maybe you could put her in a dining room, but she’d probably interrupt formal dinners to make awful prophecies. If you put her in a hallway, you have to expect her to jumpscare you every time you walk past (she really likes that). She might do well in a fancy parlor, but I worry she wouldn’t get enough social interaction in a disused room, and when she’s lonely, she gets mad and creates portals that tempt nearby children into the nightmare realms.

A kitchen is a good option, if your kitchen has space for a mirror this large. She seems to like watching people cook and has lots of opinions on vinegars ever since I read Salt Fat Acid Heat aloud to her to stop her eerie moaning one time. In any case, as long as you can get along with Pulcheria, the mirror itself is beautiful, a real heirloom art piece, and I just want to find it a good home. I have lots more advice to give if you want.

Regarding the price, I don’t feel comfortable taking any money for this mirror, but the site wouldn’t let me input $0. If you purchase it, I will deliver anywhere in LA or OC free of charge and give you your dollar back. All I ask is that you read the entire listing and be committed to incorporating the mirror thoughtfully into your home.

And maybe I could come by to say hi to Pulcheria sometimes.

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Issue 2.2

In this issue of The Dread Machine, you’ll visit an automated retail hellscape, attend a wild party on Earth’s tempest-ravaged surface, and determine what caused the strange deaths at the AudioSnap building. See the stars in the prison walls, inherit the sacred responsibility of an irradiated priestess, meet a sinister sommelier, befriend a spider, then attend a macabre art show. Whatever you do, don’t eat the honey, and avoid the child with the robotic toys.

$10.00

Featured in

Issue 2.2

In this issue of The Dread Machine, you’ll visit an automated retail hellscape, attend a wild party on Earth’s tempest-ravaged surface, and determine what caused the strange deaths at the AudioSnap building. See the stars in the prison walls, inherit the sacred responsibility of an irradiated priestess, meet a sinister sommelier, befriend a spider, then attend a macabre art show. Whatever you do, don’t eat the honey, and avoid the child with the robotic toys.

$10.00

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For Sale: Cursèd Object, Never Cleaned

In need of a spooky new statement decor piece? LOOK NO FURTHER!

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