Review for The Beast

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NARRATIVE HOOK / INCITING INCIDENT: The first sentence doesn’t really grab my attention because it’s confusing. I don’t know who is talking, what the motives are, etc. It’s almost never a good idea to start a story with dialogue. Then when I get into the first paragraph, I still have no idea who you’re talking about. I think Gil should be mentioned by name in the opening. Start with his conflict, external and internal.

CONFLICT (INTERNAL / EXTERNAL): I clearly see that the external conflict is Gil against the beast, as well as the other things you named. I’m not really seeing any internal conflict yet, and I would like to see Gil battling some internal demons as well as real demons.

TENSION: There’s plenty of tension, I believe. There’s a giant, living statue (though I wasn’t sure the Beast was a statue at first, and I recommend making that more apparent early on) towering over humanity and causing disease and horror. I think just having the Beast’s mere presence and the warnings of his awakening are enough to instill fear.

SETTING: Absolutely beautiful, grotesque descriptions. I do think you should take out any instances of adverbs. I’ve found them to be unnecessary 100% of the time.

PLOT: Man tries to stop hellish god-like being from awakening. I think it’s a fairly simple plot to start, but it can become something great later on.

CHARACTERS: Gil falls a little flat, in my opinion. I’m not quite sure who he is and what he desires beyond destroying/stopping the Beast. I think we need more of his desires and intent. What does he want in life? What is he fighting for? The other characters are a bit flat or stereotypical as well and could use more depth, but maybe that’s for later chapters. The characters don’t have to be likeable, but they do have to be interesting to hold the reader’s attention.

DIALOGUE: No problems here.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE: I think you have a great start here, and I enjoyed it despite not being a fan of splatterpunk/extreme horror. I do think your writing is great, but I have some suggestions for improvement (less adverbs, careful not to start sentences with the same word when they’re right next to each other, add more variety to your verbs, less filtering, and use the word “like” a little less). Overall, I enjoyed it, and I hope to eventually see the finished work.

Premise 5.0
Authenticity 5.0
Characters 5.0
Dialogue 5.0
Details 5.0
Pacing 5.0
Theme 5.0
Clarity 5.0
Word Choice 5.0
Grammar 5.0
Spelling 5.0
Dread Factor 5.0
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