Review for The Beast

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VERY DESCRIPTIVE – The imagery in your story is beautiful (Well not beautiful aesthetically but very descriptive.) The gore serves the story well, painting the picture of desolation and misery. The idea of a giant beast ascending to earth poisoning the planet and bringing Hell with it is very dread inspiring. Coupled with the determination to triumph over such surmountable odds that is so very human. I have to admit that I laughed at the Chancellor’s denial of reality as it just feels so very relatable during our current climate.
There are some instances of repetition and a few places where your sentences would benefit from being condensed. An example of this is “The scales caught at his hands, ripping one open further and smearing dark patches of his blood on the stone. The way down here was stained with old blood, passage of the chiselers who had been here before, and paid their own blood as the price of passage. Gil did not even wince. Pain was the one constant of his life.” The word blood is repeated 3 times and the word passage is said twice in one sentence. A way to fix this might, for example, be: The way down here was stained with old blood, the price of passage paid by chiselers who had come before.” Or something to that effect.
Another thing I noticed was that there are a few sentence fragments throughout your story, one example: “There was a bloody piece of cloth wrapped around her head but she looked hale enough. Besides the sores that crowded her mouth like barnacles.” Consider changing the period between “enough and besides” to a comma. Reread through your story to pinpoint other sentence fragments. There are a few instances of missing commas, like after the word “head” in the sentence above. And finally, make sure that you spell Gil’s name uniformly throughout because I caught at least one instance where you spelled it “Gill.”
I know you said the story was very unpolished but what you have to start with is excellent. A lot of graphic descriptions, powerful metaphors, and a dread inspiring narrative. I am very much looking forward to reading more of this Novella.

Premise 5.0
Authenticity 5.0
Characters 5.0
Dialogue 5.0
Details 5.0
Pacing 3.5
Theme 5.0
Clarity 5.0
Word Choice 5.0
Grammar 5.0
Spelling 5.0
Dread Factor 5.0
Helpful? 0 0

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