Gabe – You’re an excellent writer. None of the dialogue felt stilted or trite. Your descriptions are vivid and your sentence composition is smooth. I can tell you have put in the work. I found the characters and setting quite interesting. You definitely did more showing than telling, which was great. That said, my only real struggle was that I didn’t really know what was going on. It’s obviously an alternate world. Would you call this fantasy/sci-fi? Horror? I’d be curious what genre it is. I just felt a little lost from the beginning. I didn’t really latch onto a theme, per say, or know really what your protag was investigating. I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts tomorrow if I can make the get-together.
I liked that your protag has rock bending powers. One thought would be to start the story with him entering the mine and sprinkle the other stuff throughout later. I find I’m always more likely to latch onto a story and willing to read the exposition if something exciting has happened first. Honestly, I think it’s a bit like my story with too much expo up front. I’m trying to slim mine down as well.
It will be interesting to see what the other DW’s have to say on this.
You have talent…keep at it my friend.
Great dialogue Smooth writing
Confusing Too much exposition